Blogging...

I haven't written anything but college papers or status updates and comments on Facebook for nearly a year. I'm trying to write now, but there's something more important that is screaming at me to be addressed. Maybe after the day is through, I can sort out the events and record the thoughts... provided I'm still able to think.

Life here

My headache won't go away. Rather like those raccoons living in my ceiling, it gnaws away.

It never ceases to amaze me how someone can say "I love you" and believe that they really do. They are expressing a "feeling" that they believe they have within themselves for you. Maybe they weren't too attentive in English class.

The sentence, "I love you.", is a complete sentence. It contains a subject and a predicate. It contains two nouns and one verb. The subjective noun, "I", is performing an act. The objective noun, "you", is receiving the act of "I". The action is the word "love". Love is a verb. Verbs are words of action. Action means "I" is "doing something" to "you" when "I" "loves" "you".

This begs an answer to the question, how does one love another? How does one know the love of another?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Love waits: it is long-suffering. It is not jealous, it does not brag, it has no pride in itself.

"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
It is not discourteous, savage, or vulgar. It is not easily provoked, it doesn't keep score of failure.

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."
Love derives no joy in wickedness but celebrates with the truth.

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It continually takes care of and guards from harm. continually places confidence in, continually believes, continually holds fast and doesn't give up.

"Love never fails."
Love does not by any means neglect nor abandon.

When have I done these things for/to you? When have you done them for me? Are you doing them now?

God's Precious Jewel

If you were in the market for a gem as an investment,provided you believed the to be a good investment, which would you choose...?

An large colored uncut diamond of clarity found nestled between two rough cut diamonds mired in a cesspool.

-OR-

A stone of lesser size and clarity, pre-cut and pre-set, displayed within a jeweler's case.

Investopeida.com's Intoduction to Gemology states:

"Many wealthy investors overlook the disadvantages of gemstone investing because of the potential for exponential gains. Gemstone investing is one of the riskiest kinds of investments; there are many ways to lose invested capital including fraud, political risk, subjective valuations, low liquidity and the potential for stones to be damaged when they are cut. Most of the people who invest in gemstones do so knowing that they're taking a very large risk. However, significant returns can be realized when an investor buys a large, uncut, colored stone, has it cut and then sells the gem for a lot more than he or she paid for the stone and the cost of cutting it."

The first would require cleaning and mounting, but the two rough cut diamonds could be processed and sold to offset the cost of cleaning and mounting the more valuable one.

The latter is clean and pretty and showy from the start, but would yield a higher cost and a substantially less value with regard to your investment.

I believe that nearly every man would choose the latter. The clarity, cut and value of the diamond means little to him in terms of his lifetime investment and in the short term, he isn't required to deal with the surrounding shit or get his hands dirty.

If chivalry is not dead, then it must certainly be sustained in a comatose state.

Freedom

August 17, 2008 - Sunday

Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life

A few months ago, a man gave me a book to read. He had read a passage from it to me over the phone one night. Being a visual/tactile individual, I found it difficult to digest and disseminate, however, hearing the passage whet my appetite to delve deeper into the author's writings.

When the book was given to me to read, I was given the impression that it was done so in an effort to share the philosophies and beliefs of the giver. During my summer break, I was afforded the time to sit quietly and immerse myself in the text. Much to my surprise, I not only agreed with many of the author's philosophies, I had, within the past few years, learned to live according to them without ever having heard of the author.

Roughly one year ago, I found myself walking into my house as though the owner had expired, and I had been left with the unenviable task of disposing of the estate. Oddly enough, the first time I entered my house was one week before it was to be sold at auction for an estate sale. The house was just as it had been when the former owner had left, so entering the home was as much a testament to her life as entering anyone's home can be. As I viewed the dwelling, I took note of the furnishings; their volume, shape, placement, etc. I noticed the items meant most to her were placed in areas in which were most accessible to her. Things that had been accumulated over a lifetime; antiques, an upright piano, bedroom suites, appliances. There number and condition told a story.

As I entered my home, I became painfully aware that my house was filled with "things". Accumulated over my lifetime, some were kept for their usefulness. Some were well maintained, while others were waiting to be employed after years of inactivity. Still others were kept either as keepsakes of past memories, -- some joyous, others melancholy – and then there were those that my pride would not allow me to discard. These were accumulated and never really used. I refused to part with them until I had found at least one use for them. So far, there only use had been to remind me of poor judgment.

I had just returned from a month overseas. Viewing the contents of my house, I had to ask myself, "If I died tomorrow and someone went through my things, what story would they tell about me? If this were the only tangible evidence of my existence, what story would it tell?"

It gave me cause to determine just how much a really needed to maintain myself and my children. Anything more than that was no longer something that I possessed. It was something that possessed me.

Later that evening, I applied that same tack to my mind. Just how much baggage am I carrying that is preventing me from soaring like the eagle? Within myself, I felt much like I did waddling through the airport trying to carry my luggage without aide of a cart. Turkeys are too heavy to fly.

It's taken at least a year of being asked and retelling the tale of how I came to be in my present situation. When the day arrived that I could refer to my children's father as my "ex-husband", and I could define the charlatan who duped me into a fraud marriage as my "insignificant other", I had begun to stop grieving, cast off my self-pity, and began living again. I no longer wanted to tell the tale. Not because it wasn't worth knowing, mind you, but simply because I had better things to do with my time and energy.

The basis of my plight was the same, I think, as it is for anyone. Fear. Fear is a great motivator. It creates barriers that keep us safe, or walls that isolate us. It empties a soul of the life giving energy that is required to sustain healthy relationships. It causes us to cling to situations that cause us chronic pain. It motivates us to seek fulfillment through others. It clouds our judgment and instills a desperate need to justify ourselves, most often by casting blame, doubt and negativity at others. If it is fed, it will consume its victim.

Accepting that my fears existed and that, in part they may be justified was only the beginning. Being realistic about my personal goals and expectations helped me to realize that my fears weren't really walls. They are only potholes. If I'm driving and I encounter a road full of potholes, I have one of two choices:

A. Slow down and drive through them. -OR-

B. Take a detour.

Either way, I still maintain my goal. I don't run away from my goal. I don't give up and go back from whence I came and like my wounds. I take the time to examine my route and recalculate the resources available and necessary to me and find the best way to get where I'm going. If I have an inability to meet and maintain my own needs, how will I ever meet and maintain the expectations of those whom I love? If I am devoid of the ability to love, respect, and appreciate myself: if I fail to exercise patience and I have no passion for life, how will I ever possess the strength and ability to give those things of myself to sustain a healthy relationship?

The author of the book I mentioned, Jiddhu Krishnamurti begins with:

"For most of us, freedom is an idea and not an actuality. When we talk about freedom, we want to be free outwardly, to do what we like, to travel, to be free to express ourselves in different ways, free to think what we like. The outward expression of freedom seems to be extraordinarily important, especially in countries where there is tyranny, dictatorship; and in those countries where outward freedom is possible one seeks more and more pleasure, more and more possessions."

Fear is like an infant. It demands your undivided attention. You must feed it, and maintain it. It will wake you at all hours of the day and night, robbing you and healing rest. Its cost can be measured in time and money spent upon it. If you feed it, it will consume you. Unlike an infant, however, it never matures. It cannot simply be conquered nor mastered. Those actions would require more time, more attention, and great expenditure of energy.

True freedom cannot coexist with fear. Perfect love casts our all fear. Being aware of my positive attributes, taking stock of my God given talents, and accepting that although my present circumstances my not permit me to employ all of them has begun to require my time, my attention, and my energy. Amazingly enough, that awareness gives me more positive energy and a desire to savor every moment, and to view my world as though I'm seeing it for the first time. It has also opened my eyes to see things that I would have otherwise never noticed. It has created within me the ability to commune with the world around me. I no longer feel the desperate need to fill a pregnant pause within a conversation with mindless chatter. I think more realistically about what I have to offer, instead of what I need to have.

This freedom from within has given me insight, not only into my own self, but into my observations of others. Being a single mom, full time college student and part time working girl doesn't afford me much time to devote to fostering relationships outside of the the ones that I already have. As a result, I have engaged in meeting others online. I have profiles on several social networking sites. Some are dating sites, most are venues for me to network and make friends. I used to honor every friend request that came my way. As of late, I have begun to actually read the profiles of those who make the requests. I think I became more conscious of the need to disseminate the "about me" section of a profile on one of the dating sites. For example:

Profile 1: His tagline -- "Knight in Shining Armour" (uh.... yea, I giggled and rolled my eyes at that, too, but wait until you read what he writes about himself)

"Me and My Ideal Match"

"Writing about me would fill a whole book and I am saving it for my autobiography. Needless to say I am smart , charming, socially engaging, fun to be with and a good friend. I enjoy learning about the world and myself. I am creative whether it be writing a poem, preparing a special meal, working with a hammer or making people have a gorgeous smile which happens to be my profession. I have a good sense of humor and am able to not take myself seriously. I know you are waiting for me to list my faults. I am sure I have some, but nothing that comes to mind. I invite you help me find my good and not so good points...."

This is a man with substance. He knows who he is and he isn't ashamed to tell you. His creativity spans most every aspect of his life. He gives little indication of his chosen career, other than his choice to make people have a gorgeous smile. This man could be a standup comedian, a psychologist, a dentist, or a circus clown. Regardless of how he earns a living, his job does not define him. Faults? He's aware that he has them, but he doesn't dwell upon them. He's also confident and secure enough within himself that he invites you to engage in a level of personal intimacy that not only allows you to find them, but gives you the freedom to call them to his attention.

Then there is his photo. Most would look at the photo and notice the bespectacled man in a black on black suit, drinking a fruity drink and ask, "Why the black suit on a Caribbean cruise?" Judging form his "about me"... because he knows he looks good in it. He appears to be just as comfortable in his suit and tie as he would be in his jammies. He isn't sporting a forced smile or contrived grin. In fact most, as first glance, would judge this to be a candid shot. However, he's looking right at the camera. He doesn't need to smile. His entire countenance speaks to his happiness and his contentment. One has only to look into his eyes. It's nearly tangible. I have no doubt that he is, as he claims to be, 47 years of age. If a man is going tell you that he's older than he looks, he's most likely telling you the truth.

Profile 2: His tagline: "Lets vitalize each other's life" (the profile isn't nearly as vital as the tagline. If they made "profile viagra" this would be a good candidate)

"Me and My Ideal Match"

"If anything I have learnt during my past 6 years of divorced life it is the importance of the role a couple should play in each other's life. I have fulfilled basic responsibilities of life. My only son's education is already taken care of. I am in excellent health. I have good job where I feel at home and respected. I am interested in finer aspects of life. New York city has so much to offer to enrich one's lifestyle. But all these would be so much more colorful if I find a partner with mutual chemistry and who is genuinely interested in building a relationship with passion, love, respect, appreciation and patience."

This man admits that he may not have learned anything in the past 6 years. If he has, it's been about role playing. Most people learn about the roles of a couple when they are a part of one. They learn more about themselves when they are single. He conveys that his basic responsibilities no longer exist, although most people are aware that life involves basic responsibilities everyday. The only reference to family is with regard to a past financial responsibility that apparently no longer exists. He's in good health. If he were a horse, I might find this useful. I'm relatively certain that upon meeting him, a woman would notice if he was or wasn't in good health. If she engages in a serious relationship with him, I'd like to think that if the bottom fell out of his health, it wouldn't' be ground for dismissal or a subsequent trip to the glue factory. Although feeling at ease on your job and being respected in your field is certainly a good thing, including it here makes me wonder if he has simply run out of things to tell you about himself. He says he is "interested" in the finer aspects of life, not that he enjoys them. Apparently learning to use the word "learned" instead of "learnt" is not one of the finer aspects of life, only of good grammar. Of all the things the NYC has to offer, he conveys to the reader that they lack luster if he is without a member of the opposite sex. I also noticed that he's clear about what he requires in a partner to provide that "color". I'm not sure he conveys that he possess these traits himself.

Then there is his photo. Amid a stark white background, between a fake ficus and a bare window, he stands looking out the window, arms folded across his chest, face expressionless. Coupled with his self description, it reveals a lonely man who seeks to fill the void in his life with "magic" instead of substance. I'm not certain he would recognize the woman for whom he says he's looking. If that woman were to give herself to him completely, I doubt, from his expression, that he would accept and appreciate her. Building the relationship he says he wants to have requires the same things that building anything requires: tools, effort, and time, not a magic wand. I also doubt that he is 46 years of age. The photo appears to be that of a man in his 50s. If, indeed, he is 46, it would appear that his past has robbed him of his vitality and left him within a prison from which he has not the strength to escape on his own. Perhaps he's waiting for a "Princess on a White Horse" to rescue him.

Oddly enough, Profile 2 belongs to a man who has no middle name. His first name is Sanskrit for "the truth – winner" and his last name is Sanskrit for "with a discus; emperor", but there seems to be no thing to connect the two.

Profile 1 belongs to a man whose name is Sanskrit for "wind" and his last name is Sanskrit for "Conquer; order". Judging from his profile, he possess the ability to conquer and/or order the wind. Perhaps he's a Shiva who hasn't found his Parvati. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to discover that his middle name is Sanskrit for "love".

It appears to me that one of these men is truly free and the other seeks someone outside of himself to provide his freedom. Although I now experience freedom within myself, I would never have known this freedom had it not been for some devastating periods in my life.

The prophet Isaiah wrote:

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint"

I found an interesting observation about eagles. An eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks? The eagle will fly to a high place and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. Whilst the storm rages below, the eagle soars above it. The eagle does not escape the storm, it simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

I'm not required to allow the storms in my life to overcome me. I can allow the wind to lift me above them. God will enable me to ride the winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure, and disappointment into my life. Just as an eagle, I can soar above the storm.

It isn't the burdens of life that weigh me down, it is how I handle them. Parvati must have been as an eagle. She spent years within the wilderness. Those years prepared her for a life with Shiva. She not only reveled in the blue skies and the cool breezes that she shared with Shiva, but she seized the passion of the storms that he created and she found the ability to soar. Perhaps on day, when I'm prepared, I'll experience and appreciate the gift of the wind.

Wind

June 2, 2008 - Monday

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

I'm tired. I wish I were weak. If I were weak, then people would perceive my weakness and help me. Instead, they listen and tell me I'm strong and not to give up.

Oak trees are strong; some would say mighty. But if a storm rages against an oak, you find that it only takes a strong wind to uproot it and kill it. I remember seeing the devastation of a tornado's aftermath. Two of the biggest oak trees I've ever seen used to grow in my parents' backyard. I'll never forget seeing them laying there, roots bare and thinking to myself "I never could have imagined that something I perceived all of my life as being so strong could be swept aside by the wind."

Winds can be like that. You can't see the wind, but you can feel it. You can see the effect that it has on the things it touches. You can see the damage it does.

There are times, even on a sunny day, that the wind can cut right through you and chill you to very core. Those are the times that I long for someone who isn't afraid to put his arms around me, share his warmth, and shelter me, so that I can face the world again. Even a strong woman wants to be held and cherished. She desires to be connected. She may only be connected by a golden thread, but she longs to know that the person to whom she's tethered is going to pull the thread to bring her closer to him, not to wind it about her to send her spinning like a top or to unravel her. She needs someone who not only observant enough recognize her strength, but is wise enough to know that if he gives of his own strength to her, she'll return, in kind, making him stronger than he could ever have imagined.

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

How do you know.....?

May 24, 2008 - Saturday

Current mood: loved
Category: Life

When he listens to you talk incessantly and isn't afraid to tell you it's time to be quiet, it's his turn to speak. When you aren't the least bit offended or embarrassed that he had the courage to say it to you. :)

When you talk about politics and religion, and you're views are diametrically opposed to his, yet you have a desire to know, understand, and accept each other, in spite of your differences.

When he looks at you and sees beyond your past and present circumstance and sees, not only who you are, but the potential that exists for who you can be. When you look through his eyes and you see yourself as he sees you.

When there are no taboo subjects between the two of you and you have the freedom to be who you are without fear of judgement. When you know what his answer to your next question is, but you ask him just to hear him say it.

When you can talk with him for hours and neither of you ever has to say a word. When you're driving with him in the car and you wonder just where you stop and where he starts.

When each of you is more concerned with the other's happiness because seeing each other smile brings you such joy. When it's so quiet you can eavesdrop on the conversation taking place between your heart and his.

When his presence in your heart is almost palpable and it keeps you focused on your goals. When you savor every moment because it brings you such peace.

When sex is never an issue because you realize that he's making love to you with every word, every deed, every look, every breath, each moment that he's with you.

Maybe that's how you know ....

Sometimes I really wonder...

May 14, 2008 - Wednesday

Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

I was running late for class today. I arrived just in time and I even scored the one free parking space left in the lot beside the building where my classes are held. I grabbed my bags and was about to head through the parking lot to the 100 building, when I realized that it was Wednesday, May 14th and I was supposed to be attending my daughter's Youth Leadership Graduation. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I raced back to the car, threw my bags in the front seat and headed for the gas station. I wasn't dressed for the luncheon. I didn't even know in which building it was being held, but I raced to Ohio Northern University so I wouldn't be late. After a phone call from my daughter's boyfriend, who was attending as well, I headed to the parking lot of the McIntosh Center. Is it just me or am I being unreasonable to expect to be able to park within walking distance of the building? And just who is the logistical wizard that defines "walking distance" as greater than or equal to 5280 feet?

I arrived at the ballroom of the McIntosh Center and took my seat beside my daughter. Feeling like a horrible mother for forgetting this event, I apologized to her. I explained that I was so preoccupied with being the Project Manager for our Ethics project, and consumed with homework, that I had gone to class and had forgotten, not only about the luncheon, but to inform my professor that I wouldn't be there today. My daughter told me that I should have stayed and attended my classes, so that my grades didn't suffer. I knew she might be right, but I'm her mother. Working and attending college full time leaves me little time to spend with my children. There is so much that I miss and I was determined not to miss her graduation.

As I was sitting there wrestling with whether I had indeed made the correct decision, a member of the Youth Leadership Steering Committee opened the program with the following:

What Will Matter.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten
will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.

So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won..t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you
lived on at the end.

It won..t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought but what you built,
not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage
or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many
will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn..t happen by accident.
It..s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

The wrestling match was over. I made the right choice.